I got my wedding photos tonight. They made me cry.
Many made me squeal with delight. I also cried.
I felt beautiful my wedding day, but candid photos don’t lie.
- “Good god, is that how THICK I am now?”
- “Is THAT what I look like when I laugh?”
- “What is WITH my chin?”
My now-husband JW often refers to the Missing Tile Syndrome when life’s got him down. He writes a lot on Facebook regarding provincial politics and economics. He knows he is focusing on the missing tile when he receives a negative comment on Facebook among all the supportive messages and it’s ALL he can think about. So many images from our wedding are gorgeous, happy. laughing… and here I am, crying, because the faces I make are ridiculous (I’m VERY expressive) and I look WIDE.
It also does NOT help that good’ol Facebook sends these super fun “on this day” reminders. Well, on this day 2015, 2014, 2013 – I was fit as F*CK. Did I know it at the time? Nope. I was working out, running, and enjoying physical activity because it helped my mental health. I’ve never worked out with the sole purpose of having a rockin’ bod. Meanwhile. I had a rockin’ bod. How dare I not appreciate it at the time! Geez! On this day last year, I was suuuuuper pregnant. While sometimes I felt huge, I also LOVED my baby bump. It was THE BEST.
As you may have noticed by now, I’m a goal oriented person. Dot was born August 2016, I was back in the gym working out with my trainer by October. It wasn’t anything crazy… I wasn’t working out hard-core… but I was at the gym 2-3 times a week, getting some strength back. I wanted to slim down again, sure, but mostly I wanted the “me” time and to feel as healthy as possible. The couple of months before my wedding in May, I did bump up the workouts to 5 days a week. JW and I also made a New Year’s goal together that we were going to eat healthier, more meals at home, and make better food choices. I was no longer going to give myself a free pass due to breastfeeding!
Here’s where it gets tricky. Once I started seeing results, I got cocky. Once I got tired, I slacked off on the meal planning. Once I got discouraged, I gave up. I’ve been off the rails for a while now. So. Did I cry tonight truly because I didn’t like how I looked in my wedding photos? Is my missing tile that I’m just not as thin as I used to be, that I didn’t look as fit as I wanted for my wedding and I’m stuck with these pictures of me looking BROAD?
Or did I cry because I feel like a failure for not keeping my eating in check. Did I cry because I value my sense of self-control and self-discipline and I hate myself for not holding it together for myself AND my family? I’ve been so proud and energized since starting this blog – working on myself and my goals. I’m reading. I’m writing. I’m growing. And these gosh darn pictures crushed me – literally making me sick to my stomach and too upset to sleep.
After thinking, breathing, writing – now my head keeps saying – “Oh puhlease, Amanda. Get over it. Remember that bod you didn’t appreciate in 2013? Well, when you are 60 you will be mad at yourself for not appreciating the gorgeous bod you have RIGHT NOW!”
“GET OVER THAT MISSING TILE, SILLY GOOSE!”
This. This is why I am wider, broader, and thicker. This. My body grew this fabulous human. My body continues to sustain this amazing person. My body is strong enough to carry her, fit enough to walk her day after day to entertain her and healthy enough to nourish her.
Now. I’ll be honest with you all. While I am feeling MUCH better about my body and the pictures after exploring my feelings in this post, I’m not just leaving it at that. I do think I need to get back on track with eating healthy and my physical activity. Why? Because my missing tile is lack of control around my eating and our family’s eating vs. having the “perfect” bod.
- As a family, we will not eat out more than 3x a week (this is HUGE for our family… we eat out A lot! Especially when I tire of meal planning and give up)
- I will run at least 3x a week to train for my 5k race in September.
- I will do 3 circuits a week for the next 2 weeks – either with my trainer Nicole or on my own using her program. (Check out Nicole at Stay Inspired… her programs are awesome. SHE is awesome. She helped me through tonight with a pep talk where she validated my feelings, told me I was beautiful, and nailed down a 2 week health plan with me.)
Also, shout out to Applehead Studio !
You guys are great. It’s not your fault I have a huge smile and ass. That’s on me.